I’m truly jealous tonight. I’ve spent far too long wondering and being content with what I have. What I have in this instance is something I may have accepted only to prevent feelings I no longer am able to accept having. I may have settled with what I have in order to avoid these feelings of emptiness and loneliness. Some days are great and the thoughts of having made a mistake for settling seem distant and irrational. Others, like this evening, I feel foolish and awful for what I have done. I only wish that in the future I will have clarity. I will no longer question if I have settled and no longer spend nights like this one alone when I’m not, and sad when I’m blessed for what I have. I believe I have seen what life without these mixed emotions looks like. A friend who has helped me through these times by listening and being everything others could not. But by being there he has only furthered the emotional battle that has wrecked the rational side of my brain. And now I’m paranoid that even if I am correct in believing that I have settled, the one who has brought me to this conclusion and showed me that I don’t have to settle will have moved on and no longer be there for me. Devoted to another long before I can thank him and show him what he has done for me. He deserves better and makes me question whether I am good enough to provide him the better he deserves. Hopefully the doubts I have in what I feel will be straightened away over the next while and I will be free from my conscience and guilt I have for not knowing how I truly feel.
Ever wonder if you love someone or just love not being alone anymore?